Today’s Anthem: It’s the Talented Tard
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- Here’s another story about a dumb ass suing somebody for something that they probably could have just controlled themselves. A man in Taiwan is suing his neighbors for a loud offensive bird because the animal has caused emotion stress and injuries. Wang – yeah, dude’s name is Wang Han-Chin – in an electrician and every single morning the man leaves he hears the bird yell at him and say, “Clueless big-mouthed idiot.” He claims that it caused him emotional distress and he became distracted leading to him burning himself and causing injury. Needless to say all lawyers are saying this guy has no chance because there is no evidence linking the bird to injuries.
- There was some New Zealand carnival games being played and some of the prizes were inflatable sheep. There were however – sexy sheep. With specifically placed holes and long eye lashes. GROSS!
- An inmate had cocaine on his system – and he told cops that he had it. Well – he asked them if they could just “flush it down the toilet.” FAIL! HAHAHA!
- Smuggling cell phones is the biggest thing in prisons now. But – the new way to get the cell phone to inmates is firing a potato cannon and shooting it over the prison gates. Really?
- Cops in Montana said a guy and his gal were fighting in the car and he pulled out a gun. He fire a round off right by her ear and then calmed down a bit. He settled – and put the gun away in his back pocket…but not before it went off and shot him right in the ass! FAIL!
- The Illinois State Legislature passed a bill that increased Income Tax up about 66%. They did it WHILE YOU SLEPT. Shady thing #1 – it happened at 1AM. Shady thing #2 – It happened after the election.
- A dude was in a movie theater with his girlfriend. His gf was repeatedly shushed and the dude got pissed and left. He then came back and stabbed the man with a meat thermometer. He stabbed him so many times he put the dude in a COMA!
- The Blues get a win after 5 straight losses as they beat the Kings last night 3-1. They have today off but stay out west and take on the San Jose Sharks tomorrow at 9:30pm on Fox Sports Midwest.
- And of course – what everyone is excited for….the NFL Playoffs this weekend……
- Coming up on Sunday…..The Jets go to New England, and there’s been smack talkin’ happening all week from both sides. Yesterday……Patriots receiver Wes Welker got in on the action during a press conference….taking shots at Rex Ryan’s foot fetish by working in the word FEET into his answers……ELEVEN TIMES! (AUDIO)
- The Jets and New England is the late game on Sunday. Kickoff at 3:30 on CBS.
- Tomorrow: It’s the Steelers and Baltimore at 3:30 on CBS and then at 7pm on Fox….the NFC match up between Green Bay and Atlanta
- On Sunday at Noon….the Bears and Seahawks play at noon on Fox…..then, like we just mentioned…..Jets/Patriots at 3:30 on CBS.
- Some other quick NFL Notes:
- Heisman trophy winner and QB for the National Champions Cam Newton is gonna skip his senior year at Auburn, and enter the NFL Draft.
- And there’s a couple new head coaches in the NFL. As we said yesterday, the Browns announced that Rams Offensive Coordinator Pat Shurmur will be their new head coach…….and the Denver Broncos have hired former Carolina Panthers head coach John Fox. There’s only one open head coaching job left, and that’s the Oakland Raiders.
- Gucci Mane – a gangsta rapper – got a tattoo on his face. Check it out. What a ritard. —->
- Lawrence Taylor worked out a plea bargain with his rape case late last year. He was accused of sleeping with an underage broad. He doesn’t have to serve any jail time but he’ll be on probation and has to register as a sex offender.
- According to the Canadian Broadcast Commission ((basically the FCC for Canada)) the song “Money For Nothing” is not going to be played in Canada ever again. They are saying it’s too offensive for radio. Why? Because a listener complained that the song says faggot three different times. It’s been BANNED FOR LIFE!
- The PTC is saying that MTV may have the most dangerous shows on television. Its called “SKIN.” It just is high school kids getting hammered and doing drugs and having sex. Oh – awesome.
- A broad put out a song called, “I want to shoot Lady Gaga.” She says – its not about shooting the actual person, but shooting her image and her ideal.
- Christina Aguilera is going to sing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl.
David Letterman: Joan Rivers, Jeff Caldwell, Wintersleep
Jay Leno: Michael Douglas, Julie Scardina, Randy Rogers Band
Jimmy Kimmel: Simon Baker, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, Lloyd Banks (R 1/5/11)
Craig Ferguson: Paul Giamatti, Piper Perabo
Jimmy Fallon: Candice Bergen, Colin Jost
Carson Daly: Henry Rollins, Andrew Zuckerman, Two Door Cinema Club (R 12/9/10)
60 Minutes commentator Andy Rooney is 92.
Actress Holland Taylor is 68.
Actor Carl Weathers is 63.
Rapper Slick Rick is 46.
Actor-producer Dan Schneider (Head of the Class) is 45.
Model Kate Moss is 37.
Actress Emily Watson is 44.
Actor-comedian Tom Rhodes is 44.
Guitarist Zakk Wylde (Ozzy Osbourne, Black Label Society) is 44.
Rapper-actor LL Cool J is 43.
Actor Jason Bateman is 42.
Musician Dave Grohl of the Foo Fighters (and Nirvana) is 42.
Albert Pujols will be 31.
Singer-guitarist Caleb Followill of Kings of Leon is 29.
Kathy Anderson – 32 - this hooker has been stuffed more than a Build-A-Bear in over 202 fine films including:
- Camel Hoes 2
- All You Can Eat
- Backdoor Bandits
- Grand Theft Anal 3
- Glory Hole Heaven
- These Feet Are Made For Effin’
- Born To Be Buttwoman
Today’s HEADLINE HOOSHE comes to us from Texas where two men were arrested for public intoxication over the weekend. Police say that both men were wearing cowboy hats and chaps. One man was riding a horse – and the other was riding a donkey when they were stopped on Friday night. Both of the men were stopped in the right lane of traffic and cars were swerving to get by them. Cops said the two were yelling at people to come take pictures with the animals.
Fredrick Erickson was an expert skier. He planned on skiing the world’s 3 highest mountains. He started with K2 (the 2nd highest mountain) If you asked his friends he was always motivated and in high spirits. He climbed to the top and was almost to the summit where he accidentally fell and died instantly.
- A kid got his tongue frozen to a telephone pole. What an idiot. Christmas Story Fail!
- A dude was banging his old lady (she’s old – 20 years older) and he wanted to kink it up. So he wanted a fantasy rape fetish with a gun to the head…and he accidentally shot her right in the head killing her.
#1 – PHILLIP: Went to Red Lobster to propose to his girlfriend. Right after dinner, the dessert came out, he got down on his knee….popped the question..and she said she was leaving him.
#2 – KRISTY: Her friend worked at Walgreens and some dude was stealing diapers. So he tried to jump over the photography counter and his wallet chain gets stuck and he bites it…HARD.
#3 – JASPER: Pooped his pants on his way into office.
#4- BRENDEN: He got a chicks number on a bra….and it was a Sesame Street Bra! GOO!